sometimes

to describe this current stage of life i'm in as "busy" would be something of an understatement.  life with four little ones is tiring, ofttimes chaotic, and only occasionally overwhelming.  and try as i might to be present with each one, sometimes i worry...

am i missing too many of their moments of being this little and this carefree?

am i too busy with things, both necessary and not, to hear their thoughts and dreams?

am i making enough effort to be here in this moment?

do they know, both individually and collectively, that they along with their daddy are my heart's joy and greatest treasure under the sun?

i really hope they do.  i really hope that my lack of patience, outbursts of anger, and sheer tiredness don't mask what they really mean to me.  so i pray anew for forgiveness, for greater patience and an eternal perspective even in the mundane, daily tasks so that they could see past my own failings and see Christ instead.

because at the end of the day, that's the only thing that really matters.

project 52, week 4

ok, and maybe this one was taken a couple months ago but i never got around to blogging about it.  so here it is because it's my favorite shot from that night.  apparently, my rules for this project are of a capricious nature.  but that's okay, i think.

we were at the ucla basketball season opener a couple months ago.  the game was a stinkin' loss to loyola marymount for cryin' out loud.  but it didn't matter to this little one, not with the hot dog, popcorn, sprite, cotton candy, and free-from-the-concession-stand-guy lollipop she consumed all in one night.  the loss did kinda bother daddy (and his thinner wallet), however.

project 52, week 3

ok, so the first three images may or may not be from the same day.  (they are).  but i love each one so it counts!  :)

jonah giving daddy kisses.  actually, daddy discovered that if he chews on a pretzel, jonah will lean over and lick his cheek trying to get a taste.  but we're counting it as a baby kiss all the same.

project 52, week 2

i have a few weeks to catch up on...

i'll take the sibling affection in whatever form it comes.  this time the younger two were snuggled up together in a laundry basket while the older two were pretending they were horses pulling a wagon.  good times.

beach day, cont'd

so where was i?  oh yes, reveling in our january afternoon at the beach...

this is lauren offering me some butterfly sand cake.

this is lauren burying my toes with sand.

this is me wiggling the sand off my toes.

this is her covering her whole foot with sand.

this is her busting her foot free.

this is my forever baby with the wrinkled-up nose.

this is the rest of the family finally coming out of the water to see what we were up to.  turning lauren into ariel the mermaid quickly became a group project.

this is daddy adding the scales.

this is lauren looking pleased as punch.

this is the big sister also looking pleased as punch.

this is daddy and little daughter off to fill up her water gun.

this is her making the long trek back.

this is her stopping midway to check her water level.  (she kept doing this every few steps.  cracked me up every time).

this is her pouring it into the moat around their castle.

this is her checking the water level again (it was empty).

these are my peeps.  and man, do i love 'em.

beach day

it feels strange to be shifting gears so suddenly after yesterday's heavy post.  my heart still hurts for courtney and yet rejoices knowing that tripp is experiencing joy upon joy in the presence of our savior.  so it feels strange to just move on.  and yet as i think about it, living this life with joy, loving on my family, being grateful and giving thanks to God- can all be ways to pay tribute to tripp's legacy.  in sorrow and in rejoicing, we give it all to the Lord for He sees and He knows our hearts.  and so with that in mind...  i have pictures to share.  it's what i do.  :)

********

it's raining today.  but that's okay, i like rain.  i especially like rain when i don't have to go out in it.  rain and i have a good understanding with each other.

it was much the same with snow and i.  i really liked snow, too.  as long as snow stayed outside, and i stayed inside, snow and i also had a good thing going. 

except, i quickly came to learn that one cannot hide away from snow through an entire long, cold winter.  and if nothing else, minnesota winters are long and cold.  oh, so cold.  my family and i were not bears, so as much as i personally would have liked to hibernate through the winter, that was not going to happen.  food still had to be procured.  library books still had to be returned.  mail still had to be sent off and retrieved.  life still had to be lived.

so you can imagine what a happy girl i was once snow and i broke up.  the move back to california meant that snow and i would never be an item again.  i was freed from the shackles of snow.  so as much as i miss our other friends and loved ones back in the land of ten thousand lakes, snow (and winter and cold and freezing rain and white outs and black ice) was the one thing i knew i could surely live without.

and i was right.

last week, the weather here was wonderfully gorgeous.  temps in the 70s and 80s.  simply picture perfect.  so perfect that we got to hit the beach three times in that one week.  and that's more times than we made it to the beach the whole past year combined.  there's just something about taking advantage of the ability to spend a day in the sun and sand in the middle of january that cannot be passed up.

and it's something i can never take for granted again.  so for that, i thank you, snow.

mikey claims that he would love to live in snow.  but i'm pretty sure even he would say a beach day wins over a snow day in the middle of january.

these two hopped right into it.

and began the age-old game of trying to outrun the waves.

this one still needed to start with dipping in a toe.  while holding her daddy's hand.

and spent literally two minutes splashing around.

and then she was done.

as in, "i don't want the water to touch me again so i will do what is necessary to avoid it" done.

not so with this one.

or this one.

so while this one spent the rest of the day here...

the big sister...

and the big brother couldn't be extracted from the water.

and guess what?

the baby brother loved the ocean this time around, too!  much better reaction than his first time at the beach.

apparently he just needed his older sibs to show him how much fun the ocean can be.

this is when daddy realized that the water was still pretty cold.

me and my baby.

back in a bit for the rest of the beach pics!

legacy

last weekend, i 'randomly' (not really because i have an inkling that God led me there) came across a mommy's blog.  only, it wasn't your typical mommy blog with lots of pictures of smiling, happy kids, and details about everyday happenings.  no, this mommy's entry was about how her precious baby took his last peaceful breaths in her arms.  his favorite place to be. 

baby tripp had junctional epidermolysis bullosa ("eb" for short), a rare genetic disorder.  it's been called the worst disease you never heard of.  there's no cure.  because of one little missing protein that binds one layer of skin to another, little tripp suffered more in his short two years and eight months than most will in a lifetime.

and at first, it's hard to look at his pictures on his mommy's blog because you see a sweet little baby with painful blisters and open sores all over his head and body.  you see that he is wrapped up in bandages to protect his fragile skin as much as possible.  you see his trach and his g-tube.  you see that he has lost his sight.  you see blisters in his nail beds where his fingernails should be.  it's hard to look at because we all know how the pain from one little canker sore, or one foot blister can totally bring us down.  so it's hard to even bring ourselves to imagine the kind of pain baby tripp has felt every day of his life.  and then we realize that kind of pain is unimaginable.

but beyond the initial difficult things you see about baby tripp, you see something simply amazing.  in spite of all that he suffered, you see his beautiful, radiant smile.  and then you notice his mother right next to him, gazing at him with that same beautiful, radiant smile.

then you begin to read courtney's words about how she has put all else aside and made it her life to care for him.  and though she hates what this disease has done to her baby, she never rails against her lot in life or complains about all that she has to do.  no, amazingly, she counts it all joy.

and that part makes me cry.  pure, unconditional love at its finest.  truly, a beautiful picture of the enabling power of God's grace in her life put on shining display for all to see.  courtney's love for her son is ironclad and her devotion unwavering.  she considers every day with him a gift. 

the doctors said tripp wouldn't make it to his first birthday.  but i believe that the strength God gave tripp along with the tireless, dedicated care of his mother is what allowed him to live as long as he did.  his life was a miracle, pure and simple.  for though he could speak no words, he taught thousands.  about love.  about courage.  to remember compassion.  to be thankful.  to have joy in all circumstances.  because of baby tripp and his mommy, thousands were driven to pray.  some who haven't in years.  others for the very first time.  God used this one little baby to bring many to himself.

and surely that is a legacy worth having.  for while man looks on the outward appearance, the Lord looks on the heart.  and baby tripp was (and is) beautiful in His sight.

though i've never met this precious family, their story has had a profound impact on me.  it reminds me that really, i have nothing to complain about.  it reminds me to be deeply grateful for the undeserved blessings in my life.  to hold my teething baby close a little longer.  to count it a privilege to be able to take my little daughter to the potty at 4am and to give her an extra hug before she goes back to bed.  to listen with my ears AND eyes to my son's hundredth question of the day.  to make sure my daughter knows it's okay to be emotional and sensitive because that's how God made her to be.  to express my appreciation more often for my wonderful, hard-working, faithfully dedicated husband.  i am blessed and my cup runneth over.  i don't deserve any of it and because of baby tripp, i will choose not take any of it for granted and am resolved to follow courtney's example in showing unconditional love and count it all joy.

one of courtney's wishes in memory of her son is to increase awareness of this devastating disease and to raise hope (and a cure) so that someday soon, no other child will have to suffer like hers did and no other parent will have to make the excruciating decisions like she did.  and so i'm sharing their story here in my circle to do my small part to increase awareness and to bless others with baby tripp's legacy because he was truly a little one worth knowing.

please visit courtney's blog and read their amazing story.  you'll probably cry.  but i promise you'll be so blessed by it, too.  :)

project 52, week 1

i wrote last february about how i really wanted to try a photo-a-day project for the year but knew it would be a failure in the making with a new baby on the way as well as another upcoming move.

and that i would seriously reconsider for 2012.

and i did.

and again realized that i still have a nursing baby, am tackling homeschooling three (er, two and a half?) students, a husband who is still working mostly nights, and have yet another upcoming move sometime again this year.  ma plate's feelin' kinda full, folks!

and well, i don't enjoy setting myself up for failure all that much.  i know failures will inevitably come my way, but to knowingly set myself up for one is something even i know to avoid.

so.

as appealing as a project 366 (because it's a leap year!) sounds to me (and it really does), i'm going to have to shelve it for another year.  and seriously reconsider again for 2013.  Lord willing.

so.

instead of project 366, i'm going to shoot (ha ha, punny!) for project 52!  woo!

and i'm just going to shoot whatever appeals to me that week.  ok, ok, it's mostly going to be shots of my kids.  because they appeal to me, most of the time.  and because they're around, all of the time.  no assignments (though i really do enjoy those and always learn so much from them) and no pressure beyond posting ONE picture a week (in addition to my regular, random posts).

and i think i'm going to make them all black and white.  because i'm no good at black at white but would love to get better at it.  but maybe i'll change my mind midway through.  maybe i won't.  i'm gonna just leave that door open for now.

in any case, i'm excited to try it this year and who knows, maybe next year i'll finally feel ready to take on project 365.

so here goes the first one...

my baby jonah.  

10 months old today.  

crawling machine.  drooling machine.  pooping machine.  mischief machine- has gotten into the dog food bowl to flip it over and sample some of the pellets.  twice.  knocks over anything in his path- space heaters, mikey's lego creations, daddy's guitar.  pulls up on everything and hangs there one-handed.  has stood alone for couple-second stretches (no!!!!!).  still trills like a baby bird.  sucks his right thumb anytime he can.  likes to chuck every single stuffed animal, toy, and blanket out of his crib.  then hollers until someone comes to pick them up again.  repeat.  repeat.  thinks banging his hand on the table is sign-langauge for "more".  super ticklish on his belly, ribs, neck, toes.  has not yet met a food he doesn't like.  except baby purees.  loves to suck smoothie up through a straw.  only cuddles when he's super tired, otherwise will strong-arm you in the neck to see the rest of the world. has gotten over his stranger anxiety, but definitely has his favorite people picked out (yay that i'm still in the number one spot, daddy says he's a close second).  has added so much laughter and delight to our family.  we couldn't imagine life without him and are so thankful for him.  he has truly been a blessing to us.  fourth children rock!!

trippin'

field trippin' that is.  it's one of my kids' favorite parts about homeschooling.  that and all the playdates co-op meetings.

so last week, we had the awesome opportunity to meet up with some families from church at the cabrillo marine aquarium and best of all, to see auntie esther again!  remember auntie esther?  she's on the list of my kids' all-time favorite people.  top ten, definitely.  :)

auntie esther was all ready for us with a lesson that included a story about fish babies and lots of hands-on activites...

like looking through microscopes (mikey's favorite).

and pretending to be fish (mikey's favorite again).

and looking for fish hiding in the seaweed (mikey's favorite yet again).

and then a mini field trip within the field trip-- a walking tour over to the salt marsh.

walking and discussing life with her favorite big-girl friends (allie's favorite).

finding her own girl-crew to hold hands with (lauren's favorite).

onto the docks to do some more learning about native fish and birds.

and then we got to visit the touch pool! (mikey's favorite, yes again.  alright, so saying the whole entire trip was mikey's favorite would be an accurate assessment.)

what can i say, the boys are all about hands-on learning.

probably safe to say the girls rather enjoyed it, too.

allie-girl was even brave enough to touch this sea star.  but with only one finger instead of the prescribed two.

this girl, however, could not be prevailed upon to touch anything with any fingers.  or thumbs.  or toes.

aw, auntie esther...  so good at what she does.  and such a lovely person inside and out.  the kids just love being near her.

see?  even learning about how sea stars see works best when auntie esther demonstrates.  :)

a BIG HUGE THANK YOU to auntie esther and the other two teachers (i'm sorry, i didn't catch their names!) for an awesome day at the aquarium!!

mikey declared it as his favorite aquarium ever.

so i'm thinking we'll be back.  :)

see?  i'm not exaggerating when i say they all love being near her.

top ten, definitely.